"Strange how when you're young, you have no memories.. Then one day you wake up and BOOM, memories overpower all else in your life, forever making the present moment seem sad & unable to compete w/ a glorious past that now has a life of its own.."
everytime i dunk bloody pads into the rubbish bin, i remember him. which means to say, i remember him one week in a month, for twelve months, then over and over again until i get pregnant or succumb to menopause. i remember him on all the nights i lay there like a dissected amphibian, even if the succeeding dissections weren't as bloody as the first one.
i remember him. and his scalpel more.
--0--
it was april 3, the second day of my menstruation and i had a pad-with-wings on. the friday before that, i had my nails done and legs waxed for graduation. my pubis was mowed too. the latter, i did not for the graduation rites, but for him, and the thing i have been promising to bestow to him as soon as i get my college diploma.
with a venus-necklined purple top on, my day of seduction started with us having medium-rare steak for lunch. it was orgasmic how he stared on my collarbone more than the steak on his plate. but i let him be, because that day, palatability was my middle name.
--0--
right after lunch, he invited me to come and see his hotel room. (come and see and not go out or go home for the next three days, yeah, i knew that). inside, i pulled the sheets up to my neck and pretended to nibble on cheese rings while channel surfing. but my peripheral vision was checking him as he got rid of his shirt and pants.
"one, two, three, four, five, six," i counted the squares on his abs. "seven," adding the lump beneath his boxers. he then knelt down at the side of the bed, and because my mouth was full of cheese rings, bent lower and kissed my inner thighs.
i panicked, i was sure i smelled iron and i told him just that. to my surprise he chuckled, "this time you have to thank Modess, because i smelled eucalyptus." i let out a laugh, which was of course a bad idea because i felt my vagina spurt blood.
"i won't be able to spread my legs for you tonight," i said apologetically.
"why not?" he shared the sheets with me. "my religion does not forbid blood, don't worry."
--0--
he jokingly pasted our diplomas on the dresser while i was on the shower. we just finished putting ice cubes on my abdomen to temporarily stop my bleeding. promoting abdominal contraction was the first lesson in nursing school that we have effectively applied in actual setting.
--0--
at around 3pm, he attempted to go beyond smelling armpits and pinching cellulites. for the first time since my discovery of the word "grope," i realized it was a bit painful verb.
his breath smelled of mint and lust, his voice spoke of mouth-watering in-bed curses like
fcuk,
sh*t,
and b*tch.
i drowned in the smell of shaving cream and shower gel as i buried my nose on the fine lines of his neck. that very hour, i knew i had to to put Nivea Visage on the altar the next time i see one.
and just when i thought that was all of his divinity, i went speechless with the discovery that his tongue could actually make me levitate.
--0--
now, this isn't the part that i'm going to talk about how the scalpel buried beyond the slice because i couldn't remember a thing. what i know is that when it happened, i understood why virginity is precious, and why it should be given only to an object of affection:
"because it is damn so painful to punch a hole through your body and soul and walk the next day with your legs half a meter apart, that only real love can make you tolerate it."
but before each drill stole my consciousness, i can see my college diploma, proudly hanging by the bedside dresser.
--0--
that was monday at three in the afternoon, and the same scenes were played in loop until thursday, five pm. and i wasn't quite sure if the profuse bleeding on my panties was still menstruation.